For such a time as this

Tomorrow is the first day of school. The first day of 7th grade for Ethan. The "official" first day of homeschool for both of us! It was a journey to get here...but if you've read this blog at all, you'll see that "journey" is the theme... I guess I could change the name...except...aren't we all on a journey to grace...??? Every school year, I had the same kind of hope. It sounded like this, "Maybe THIS will be the year that Ethan will thrive in the classroom." He just needed enough time to grow; with the right teacher; with the right combination of IEP supports; with ME in the right frame of mind. It was liberating to realize that the public school classroom just is NOT where he is going to thrive. He WILL thrive...it just won't be THERE! So right about now, I have this weight lifted off my shoulders. I have found my way OUT of this hope/disappointment cycle that has perpetuated every year. HOPING that THIS would be THE year...disappointed when I get that first call or email from the teacher "just to let me know...." That horrible sinking feeling in my gut when I see a teacher's name in my inbox, or on my call log. I know there will be days that try my patience. I know there will be days where I question our decision. But I know the reality will bring me peace: NOTHING was harder than having my son in a public school classroom. Nothing was harder than seeing him struggle. Nothing was harder than seeing him feel bad about himself. Nothing was harder than seeing him want friends so badly, only to be bullied. No matter how much or how little information he takes in during homeschool "lessons", it will be more than he took in in the classroom. Strangely, I've never felt so equipped on this parenthood journey as I do right now. Part of that came through the year of family therapy we did with a wonderful adoption attachment therapist. Part of that is my 16+ years of experience as a special education teacher. Part of that is my master's degree in curriculum and instruction....but MOST of it is knowing that my God has my back and has been preparing me ALL along for exactly THIS.... **Perhaps, I was made a homeschool mom for JUST such a time as THIS**

7 Years!!!

This blog was designed to invite you on our journey. This year has been a journey of research and discovery . Welcome to my world….. On the 18th, we celebrated our 7 year anniversary! If I could define this year with a title, it would be: “The year I figured it out”: The year I figured it out that I was “doing it wrong”; the year I figured out how to give myself grace for “doing it wrong”; the year I figured out that ADHD is just a symptom and that childhood trauma was the real issue. I can’t take all of the credit. It was last summer that Gary was taking a class in trauma counseling. He brought it to my attention that children who are victims of trauma or neglect typically have neurological issues similar to what Ethan struggles with…. The crazy type A researcher in me kicked into high gear. I ran across “The Connected Child” and some other information about Dr. Karyn Purvis and www.empoweredtoconnect.org It was like I had found the missing link!! I had always suspected that adhd wasn’t the only issue. There were these “quirks” that didn’t really fit any list of symptoms I had found. As a special education teacher, I knew a lot about different disabilities. We knew it wasn’t autism, cognitive delay, or a learning disability. We didn’t understand why he would “freeze” and shut down, unable to respond to simple questions. We didn’t understand why he would “snap” at school and bicker with peers or scribble on papers when he got frustrated. We didn’t understand why he would display these behaviors at school that were so unlike how he was at home. We didn’t understand why he always has to know what the plans are and what we are eating for our next meal. At times, we just thought he was strange…. Then I read “The Connected Child” and it ALL. MADE. SENSE. I needed to know more, so I read “Wounded Children, Healing Homes” by Jayne Schooler. This book touched a little bit on how to handle the school situations; but I needed to know more. So I read, “Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control” by Heather Forbes. She discusses the trauma and how to parent without traditional behavior modifications such as time out and behavior charts. This was going to require a 180 in our parenting! But what about school!? Heather Forbes also wrote a book specifically with educational issues in mind, “Help for Billy”; I read that too! In February, Gary and I attended the Empowered to Connect conference in Orange County. Such a blessing from God that it was what we needed where & when we needed it! God provides! If anyone asks for wisdom…. The conference was amazing and I was so glad Gary attended it with me. The presenters recommended even more books, which I read: “The Whole Brain Child” and “Parenting from the Inside out” by Dan Siegel and “The Out of Sync Child” by Carol Kranowitz. What usually happens when we learn a whole LOT about something? We learn how much we still don’t know!!!.... With as much as I had learned, you might be surprised to know that what we concluded was that we were ready for professional help. Not because things are out of control or we are dealing with what we would call “behavior problems”; but because we understand the damage of the trauma and how that effects Ethan both emotionally and neurologically. Next up on my reading list is “Creative Interventions with Traumatized Children” by “Cathy Malchiodi. I’m looking forward to gaining more skills; not just as a parent, but a parent of a traumatized child. I’m looking forward to helping Ethan understand his value as a young man and feel good about who he is.

Puzzle Pieces

Any life story is put together like the pieces of a puzzle. Any adoption story has pieces missing. Last night I had the opportunity to fill in a couple more pieces of the Ethan Kai story. A couple of VERY important pieces...pieces that had been lingering since the day we received his paperwork. Six years ago, I wrote a blog entry pondering a question I never thought I'd have the answer to, "Why wasn't Ethan's finding ad placed in the newspaper until he was 3.5 years old?" Below is the blog entry from March 2008: First, a little background: Every child adopted out of China gets their picture placed in a local paper to see if a birth parent will come forward to care for them. When this does not happen, they are declared an official "orphan" and they are available for adoption. Hence the term: "finding ad".

The writing below the photo only contains the identifying information that we already know: Name: Cheng Kai Sex: Male Birthdate: January 20, 2004 Finding date: March 1, 2004 Finding location: Near #58 Xinglong Street, Qixinggang, Yuzhong District Characteristic of body: Weak Items found along with him: Nothing Many times, adoptive parents are supplied with copies of these ads when they arrive in China to adopt their child. However, there is this amazing man named, Brian Stuy who makes it his business to track information in China regarding adoption. He collects, logs and files many of the newspapers and advertisements that contain finding ads. We supplied him with Kai's identifying information It turns out he had the actual publication that has Kai's finding ad in it! Most of the time, finding ads are run when the children are found (when they are babies). We were quite surprised to see Kai's finding ad. The publication was dated May 2007. The referral information we were given dates back to July/August 2007. After inquiring with Brian and also with our agency, there really is no way to know WHY Kai's finding ad was not run until he was 3.5 years old. I have had to resign myself that this will be another one of many mysteries there are with international adoption. Just when you think you know what to expect....Just when you think you have an answer to a question....Just when you think you understand how things are going to be.... Fast forward to last night..... Ethan and I attended a book signing event for the book, "Wish You Happy Forever" by Jenny Bowen. Jenny Bowen is the founder of "Half the Sky" foundation. It is the foundation that sponsored Ethan's orphanage in Chongqing (as well as many others all over China). It is also the foundation that sponsored Ethan's foster family. As I learned more about Half the Sky in the past 6 years, I began to have more questions.... Everything I read about their program stated that the foster family program homes, called "family villages" were for children who had special needs and were unable to be adopted. They were designed to serve as permanent homes for these severely effected children. This didn't make sense to me. Ethan was adopted out of a foster home...but the story just didn't add up to me....missing puzzle pieces. So after Jenny showed a short video, read an excerpt from the book and shared some of her experiences, it was time for Questions & Answers. I raised my hand and asked if she could share more information about their foster family programs. She described the program exactly according to Ethan's original paperwork: Retired couple, children grown, agreed to care for these orphans indefinitely since they were too ill or disabled to be adopted. BUT...she went on...what occurred was that AFTER these children had spent time in the care of a loving family environment, they began to THRIVE!!!! By now, tears were streaming and all I could do was point to Ethan to indicate that HE was exactly who she was talking about! She asked me which program he had been apart of and I told her he was in the Chongqing orphanage from 2004-2006 and in the foster family from 2006-2008. She said that made perfect sense, as the foster program opened in 2006. She commented how much she loved that foster couple and it was all I could do to choke out a tearful "thank you" for all her program had done for him. THE MISSING PIECES: 1. His finding ad wasn't run when he was found, because nobody thought he would be adoptable 2. His placement in the foster family was because nobody thought he would be adoptable 3. It is truly a miraculous work of God that he is here with us, and that Half the Sky was there to intervene, because in all reality, he really wouldn't be here if it weren't for their program! In a world where we have to accept the missing pieces without dwelling on them, it is truly a treasure to find out something, ANYTHING, that fills in a gap about your child's history.

Nothing worthwhile is easy

Five years have gone by since Ethan Kai walked into our hotel room in Chongqing that hot day in May 2008. Being a mom of a special needs son with ADHD has changed me. Changed, refined, tried, tested, proven like gold in a fire. I am NOT the same person I was 5 years ago. Being Ethan's mom has grown my faith in ways I couldn't have imagined. When I asked The Lord to mold me into the mother I am meant to be, He told me, "You already are; That's why I chose you." When I asked The Lord why He chose me, He answered, "Because Ethan is going to do great and mighty things." And when I struggled with Ethan's ADHD, He told me, "Just love him and leave the rest up to me." Ethan continues to be the most resilient, happy, and forgiving child I've ever met. But being a parent to a child with ADHD is never easy. It's not easy seeing them struggle in school unable to pay attention. It's not easy to get ANOTHER phone call or report from the teacher regarding impulsive behavior. It's not easy to try to figure what part is "boys will be boys" and what part is ADHD. It's not easy to figure out how to discipline a behavior and not the disability. And so I walk in faith, knowing that God's hand is on this child; that Ethan belongs to Him, not to me; and that everything really is going to be OK. On the hard days, I remind myself to check my priorities: He loves Jesus. He loves hearing worship music in the car. He asks me if every worship song on the radio is David or Carlos (our worship leaders at our church.) He loves reading about David and Daniel in his Bible. Last night, after the third day in a row for getting in trouble at school for touching people in line (Inattentive, sensory-overload, ADHD behavior), and being sent to bed immediately after dinner, I find him in his room with his Bible in his lap. I have to ask myself, "What is more important?" Does it matter if he can sit in a chair without squirming in order to pass a state reading test? Or does it mean so much more that he can tell the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego almost as well as our pastor? Ethan loves hearing the story of his adoption. He doesn't remember any of it. He doesn't remember China. He loves hearing about how Elisa drove us to the airport and he loves looking at the scrapbook I made of our trip. Someday, we'll go back. My heart longs for Chongqing hotpot, Noodles for breakfast, and to visit all of the places that wrote their story on my heart. Ethan knows that God picked him to be in our family. We talk openly about his birth parents and his foster parents. He has never asked, "Why?" He has never asked to try to find his birth mom. Other peoples' comments or questions never seem to phase him. Taking all of it in stride is just part of who he is. Someday, he will see the big picture and understand, much like Esther, perhaps he was made a part of this family for just such a time as this!

Sooo...Ethan turned 9 today. I can't believe he's 9! With every age, it seems exponentially OLDER that the last. 5 seemed so much older than 4...6 seemed so much older than 5... It never ceases to make me wonder if January 20th is actually the day he was born. It never ceases to make me think about Ethan's birth mom and the weeks she tried to take care of him between January and March 1st.... I can't believe that in May, it will be 5 years that he's been with us.... For the Big 9, we did a reptile party at our house. The reptile store near our house does parties, so in they came, with tubs of lizards, turtles, and snakes of all sizes. They allowed the kids to hold and pet each animal! We took lots of pictures, and later we'll be going to his favorite restaurant: Dale's Diner. Ethan has decided he wants a cheeseburger with jalapenos!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ETHAN!!!!

"Fix less, pray more"

I was at church yesterday morning. One of our (amazing) associate pastors was giving a message about knowing our Shepherd. We are encouraged to not feel like we always have to fix everything on our own...that we need to let God be God and do the fixing. I think of Ethan and how often I try to fix him...fix his ADHD, fix his difficulty with reading and math, fix his clumsiness. I hear The Lord say to me, "Just love him and let me handle the rest." "Fix less. Pray more," Romero says.... And I realize (again) how blessed I am.... I just got Ethan's CST scores in the mail. (The standardized test he took at the end of 2nd grade). He scored below basic in reading and basic in math. I expected this score. Yet, seeing it in black & white reminds me again that I have a child who struggles in school. Then we get in the car to go somewhere and he starts singing a worship song that was on the radio. I have to ask myself "what is more important--test scores, or loving Jesus?" I know I'm blessed. The Lord is watching out for Ethan; chose parents who were 6,000 miles away; has great and mighty plans for him. All I have to do is love him and let God handle the rest. Fix less. Pray more.

4 Year Anniversary!!!!

Being a parent is always a journey: A journey of love, patience, understanding, and faith. I have had my scope of understanding broadened in ways I could not have imagined. I have had to become an expert on ADHD, Developmental Coordination Disability (DCD), and how to be a parent in an IEP (as opposed to being the special education teacher.) I have learned how to draw on my teacher experience as a parent and how to draw on my parent experience as a teacher. Each role has made me more sensitive to the other. I continue to work on removing phrases such as, “You should be able to….” Or “I shouldn’t have to help you with…..” from my vocabulary. Some days I have to remind myself what God told me awhile back while I was praying and asking Him to mold me into the mother He wanted me to be. He answered, “You already are. That’s why I chose you.” Ethan continues to grow in his understanding of adoption and how he was chosen to be a part of our family. In casual conversation he refers to me as his “real mom” and understands he has a birth mom even though she doesn’t come up in conversation often. This year he’s very excited to celebrate our “Family Day”. I’m not sure if it’s just because we get to go out to dinner, or if it’s because he gets special attention; which is probably exactly what he needs. For a little guy who probably gets in a little too much trouble, some positive attention is a good thing! At dinner the other night, we were reminiscing about our first night with Ethan: It was the evening of our first day. Our guide, Anita, was going to leave us alone to bond. (which was a scary thought considering we had instantaneously become parents & now had a 4 year old who didn’t know us, didn’t speak our language, and missed his foster family). So Anita had asked Ethan what he wanted for dinner. He told her what he liked. She wrote it down in Chinese & gave us directions on which restaurant to go to in the underground marketplace/mall that was under our hotel. It was decided that I would stay with Ethan in the room and Gary & Jessie would make the trek to go get dinner. (Last night, hindsight kicked in and they decided I should have been the one to venture out for the food!) So they gave the order to the restaurant and attempted to communicate that they want the food “to go”…”to take upstairs”…”to eat in the room”….I’m not sure how many different ways there are to request this, and I’m sure there were gestures that accompanied the request! After what seemed like forever, Jessie came back to the room empty handed and asked me for the translation guide to find out how to say “carry out” in Chinese! Apparently, they figured it out, supplied us with (only) 2 sets of chopsticks and Gary returned with peppered beef, sautéed cabbage and a variety of other delicious dinner items. So with our 2 sets of chopsticks and a fork and spoon from the hotel mini bar that only had 1 set of silverware, we had our first dinner together, picnic style, on the floor of our hotel room, 29 floors above Chongqing City. Four years later, at 8 years old, Ethan has no recollection of China or of the actual adoption. He looked at the photo album this morning and said, “I don’t remember these!” He is completely integrated into American culture (he’s a HUGE Angry birds fan!) and into our family. Together we all fall somewhere in between Hispanic, Italian & Chinese.